Job descriptions


Lawyer: who writes a 15,000 word document and calls it a “brief.”

Accountant: who knows the cost of everything and the value of nothing.

Auditor: who arrives after the battle and bayonets all the wounded.

Banker: who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining and wants it back the minute it begins to rain.

Economist: who will know tomorrow why the things he predicted yesterday didn’t happen today.

Statistician: who is good with numbers but lacks the personality to be an accountant.

Actuary: who brings a fake bomb on a plane, because that decreases the chances that there will be another bomb on the plane.

Programmer: who solves a problem you didn’t know you had, in a way you don’t understand.

Mathematician: who is the blind man in the dark room looking for the black cat which isn’t there.

Diplomat: who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you’ll look forward to the trip.

Topologist: who doesn’t know the difference between a coffee cup and a doughnut.

Professor: who talks in someone else’s sleep.

Consultant: who takes the watch off your wrist and tells you the time.

Psychologist: who watches everyone else when a beautiful woman enters the room.

Job descriptions

Little Johnny, the magician’s son

Job descriptions

“What’s your father’s occupation?” asked the schoolteacher.

“He’s a magician, ma’am,” said Little Johnny.

“How interesting. What’s his favorite trick?” asked the teacher.

“He saws people in half,” answered Little Johnny.

“Wow! That must be amazing to watch,” said the teacher. “Do you have any brothers or sisters?”

And Little Johnny said, “One half brother and two half sisters.”

A blonde woman gets on a plane to Detroit and takes a seat in first class, despite having an economy ticket. A short while into the flight, an air hostess notices she’s in the wrong section of the plane and asks her to return to her allocated seat. The blond simply refused. Shocked and confused, the hostess asked her to once more, but the blond refused again. The air hostess asked the captain for help.

Job descriptions

“She’s blonde, you say?” queried the captain.

The hostess nods.

“Shouldn’t be an issue, my wife is blonde, too.”

The captain gets up and approaches the woman. After a few seconds, the blonde quickly gathers her things and heads back to her seat. The captain returns to the hostess.

Amazed, she asks how he did it.

“It’s simple, really,“ he said, “I just told her first class wasn’t flying to Detroit.“


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